BipolarLawyerCook

I was diagnosed as bipolar in May of 2005, after a long depression and a big mess-up at work. You can read about that process here and here. My dad tells me that when I was a toddler, and we were living at my Nana’s house, she said to him that I was a “nervous child.” It was true, and boy did it get worse the older I got. It didn’t help matters any that my father was a drinking alcoholic until I was age 12, and was a rageaholic, verbal abuser to boot. Nor did the situation improve inasmuch as my mother was chronically depressed, chronically anxious, chronically unemployed, and chronically a victim of the forces of the universe, conspiring against her. It was only when she turned 65 and had her first frank manic and psychotic episode, described here, here, and here, that she too was diagnosed as bipolar. My dad was arrested for drunk driving when I was 12, and in the usual fallout thereafter managed to stop drinking, apply the 12 Steps fairly well, and turn his life around. He’s never been diagnosed as bipolar, but I know that he is, just seeing the way my behaviors mirror his. Regardless, through effort of will and significant amounts of beta blockers, my dad’s mania is not an issue, and his depression is under control enough that we need not worry.

My adolescent and teen years were characterized by “sensitivity” and anxiety. I occasionally needed a mental health day from school, because I was too worked up to stop crying about whatever I was anxious about. Usually geometry. I found out I had a learning disability in college– too late to stop Mrs. Kramer from giving me a C-. I still graduated Valedictorian. And I still can’t do geometry.

In college, I had a few breakdowns and blowouts which now, with the benefit of hindsight, were clearly major depressive breakdowns. Since I managed to (mostly) still get my papers in on time, though, and graduated magna cum laude, no one thought much about it beyond the fact that I was “sensitive,” not uncommon for “such a smart girl.”

I made it through law school without a single major depressive episode. I actually had a lot of fun, and met my husband there. After graduation and taking (and passing) the bar, we moved to another part of the state for my first two jobs. During the second job, which sucked for a whole lot of objective reasons, I had another major depression, for which I was prescribed an anti-anxiety drug that helped for a little bit. We moved back to Boston eventually. It would be another three years before things got so bad that I got the proper diagnosis.

After my bipolar diagnosis, I started taking Lamictal, a mood stabilizer. It worked like a charm, and I slept for eight hours for the first time in more than a year. It saved my life. Later, my shrink and I added an antidepressant, Effexor. Later on, I went off the Lamictal, because it interacted with the Effexor to give me migraines. We’ve since decided that I am hypersensitive to serotonin. Starting in November, 2007, I switched my mood stabilizer to lithium. In March, 2008, I finally weaned all the way off my Effexor. It’s been a slow process, but with enough incremental evidence that the lithium was working to keep me from quitting. Effexor has tenaciousness enough to teach a bear trap a thing or two, but it could be worse. Likewise, the first 3-5 weeks of the lithium were bad– dizzy, nauseous, weird white-outs, blurred vision, constipation/diarrhea cycles, headaches. Since then, though, each new dose had me feeling a little bit better. Only the last round of increased dosing was really bad again– a sign I’m at my effective dose, as if the full night’s sleep and better mood weren’t enough. The hope is that the Lithium alone will handle my depression, and I won’t need an antidepressant. I had a mild toxic episode 2 days in to a 1500 mg. dosage, and scaled back to 1200. We changed my preparation to a 450 mg dose, three times a day, but I started to have swollen lymph nodes, dry skin, hair and nails, fatigue, and swelling of the ankles– not to mention crushing headaches and smelly urine. Turns out that I was not having a thyroid reaction, but either acute allergic interstitial nephritis– kidney inflammation, or a systemic allergic reacion. The adventure therefore continues– I went off the lithium cold turkey, started a small dose, 15 mg, of Abilify, to keep the edge off while I get the lithium out of my system, and promptly had an allergic reaction to the Abilify, followed by a painful two week withdrawal period. And of course, I was finally feeling great, mentally, and hoping it would be my thyroid, so I could just take another pill and get on with things. Psychopharmacology– like playing darts blindfolded, sometimes.  I’m now going to be trying the lamictal again, since it worked for me before.  This time, we will push the dosage, rather than add an adjunctive antidepressant, since the conventional wisdom is now that bipolars should just stay away from antidepressants.

All of this medication stuff notwithstanding, I’ve been very lucky. As of the time of reading this, I’ve never been hospitalized. I suffer from a form of bipolar called Bipolar II Disorder, which means that I’ve never had a “frank” manic episode involving things like psychosis, delusions, hearing voices, violence, promiscuity, spending sprees, drug consumption, or other things that people tend to associate with “manic depression.” I have had (and sometimes miss) what’s called hypomania– which in its rosy phase means lots of energy, lots of creativity, the ability to get tons of work done in a short time, feeling (and being) chatty, social, witty, and being entertaining as all-get-out. You know when you feel “on?” Multiply that by 1000. However, when my hypomania starts winding down, and I start my way on over to the depression that is the far more common manifestation of my disease, I am a rageaholic. Do not, under any circumstances, drive in front of me, stand in front of me in line, be the unfortunate sap who has to take my order or ring up my purchase, or be a member of my family or friends, engaging in one of your OH MY GOD THAT IS SO F*CKING ANNOYING annoying habits. I will scream at you, then burst into tears. Oh, and then wake up three hours into my sleep cycle and then blog about it. For two weeks.

My depression is my primary problem. By way of my childhood experiences, I’m also what the therapists call an Adult Child. In short, I am an anxious, perfectionist people pleaser who is completely insecure. Combine that with depressive tendencies, and you get. . . well, not a good thing.

I’ve been blessed with a wonderful therapist and a wonderful psychiatrist, the latter of whom refers to herself as a “shrink,” and gives me leave to do the same. I don’t know what I would do without regular visits to these women, who have the ability to distill what’s the matter to a single sentence, and help me solve my problems. They are miracle workers.

My other blessing is my husband, the Better Half, who has been a rock. He doesn’t understand my disease, per se, but he knows me. Now that there is an explanation for my actions and reactions, he is working with me to keep me on an even keel. And he keeps a thick skin when I am short-tempered, over-tired, or under-medicated.

Bipolar is a disorder to be maintained. I won’t ever be cured. But I can get along. There will be breakthrough episodes of hypomania and depression, but the work that I do journalling, charting my moods and physical symptoms, and working with my therapist and shrink has, so far, been enough to allow me to recognize it, and to do something about it, be it a meds adjustment or taking time off. It’s a journey, but not an impossible one.

You can click on “bipolar” in the Category Cloud to the right for an index of all the posts I’ve written about my experiences.

I am a contributor at Real Mental, a group blog where you’ll find someone else with what ails you. It’s a safe space on the web, where you are not alone.

I find these books to be helpful resources and sources of encouragement.

Finally, please don’t be shy about emailing me at bipolarlawyercook at gmail dot com with a question if you’re feeling shy about posting it in comments.

This page has the following sub pages.

• Mental Health Resources & Mental Health Bloggers